Straight From My Heart

! ! Peter 3:8-9  MSG  Message version (not MSG in your food)

 Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retalitation. No sharp-tongued - sarcasm. Instead, bless --- that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing also get a blessing.

Bless those who curse you and despitefully use you.
 (Matthew 5:44)

I don't konw about you but I have to surrender myself to God to be agreeable. There are times I  disagree  for the sake of disagreement. I  also have the urge to be right and prove my point.  Then there are times I


                        

Shake ups

Shake ups are often sent by God himself.
 
 When it is time for eaglets to leave the nest and learn to fly, it is said that a mother eagle takes out all the soft bedding and shakes up the nest until it is no longer comfortable for her chicks. She then spreads her wings to catch them as they learn to fly . Deuteronomy 32:11

I have a number of shake ups in my life. These shake ups can be distressing at times. Recently I realized that God wanted me to move on out of the nest and leave the nest  and spread my wings and fly once more.


I have had a lot of issues that I have been dealing with for the last couple of years. After writing my book God spoke and said  It was time to set my issues aside and move on to minister to others.  I had healed enough now to move forward  and  move out of the nest.

 Sometimes when there is a stir  in a persons life the ones you love are not ready or think you are ready to see you leave the nest. The enemy puts doubts into your mind about whether you are ok to move forward and reminds you of your past mistakes like anger. Or that you are not qualified or a professional.  I had doubts of my own about my health, I have come to realize that the Joy of the Lord is my strength.  God is showing when to rest and when to back off.  He assures me of his presence  and help when my health has the odd struggle.

Not that we are competent in ourselves to  claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as minsiter of a new covenant not of the letter but of the Spirit, for the letter kills but the Spirit gives life.
 2 Corinthians 3:5, 6

It was time to seek God's counsel and rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me.  God will show me what he wants me to do.  It was time to take the advice I had been given and start ministering to others who are hurting and reach out to those who are in need and  are in need of  Jesus .

It was time to learn to fly again after being hurt. In the nesting time I was nurtured and cared for and now It was time to fly.  The Lord was clearing out the safe place and was nudging me forward.  I heard the Holy Spirit say You are strong, You are courageous. I am with you.  I have forgiven you and I am right there to catch you when you fall or fail.

 I am minstering to people all over the world thru a prayer ministry. I am ministering to friends and family.

I am where God wants me to be right now. Helping others and minstering to others and  giving  Hope and  encouragement and Peace for those who need it.

I move forward because I know that God has his eye on me. I am the apple of his eye.

It was after this shake up that I experienced the mighty power of God in my life. I have seen him  move in the hearts and lives of those I minister to. It has brought me to pray on behalf of those needs and  to see the hand of God in their life.

Deuteronomy 32:10
In a desert land he found him in a barren and howling land. He shielded him and cared for him as the apple of his eye.

Deuteronomy 32:11 lie an eagel that sitrs up it next and hovers over its young. that spread it wings to catch and carries them on it pinions.
.
Psalms 17:8   

 Keep me as the apple of your eye, hide me in the shadow of your wings

! So when you go thru a shaking in your life or distress. Remember that God is working things out even when it doesn't seem like it.  It is also may mean that God has a mighty work that he wants to do in and thru you on behalf of others. .

Straight from My Heart - Jesus loves me

I am so glad that Jesus loves me Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me, I am so glad that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves even me.

Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. Yes Jesus loves me.

 The message is big in meaning and powerful. 

What shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famile or nakedness or danger or sword?

 vs. 36 As it is written nothing "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughter.

No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us

vs 38 I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,'neither anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love God that is in Chrsit Jesus our Lord.

I remember in Sunday School singing about Jesus loving me.  It gave me a warmth inside of my heart.  When I did something wrong I remember I wondered if my parents or God loved me. I remember one time I thought I would throw some water on my dad who was sitting on a chair reading.  I however didn't realize that dad was reading his Bible.  I got water spilled all over his Bible. I didn't mean to get his Bible wet on purpose.  I told dad I was truly sorry and all I got was silence. I tried again and once more no response.
It took quite a while until my dad talked to me again.  At that moment I felt distance from my dad.  I so wanted to climb up on my dads lap and have him reassure me that he loved me regardless of whether I had made a mess of his Bible or not.  I knew what it was to hear dad say he loved me and I longed for him to reassure me again.

This hurt affected me for a very long time. I wanted to earn my dads love and approval when I did wrong.  I took this hurt into my marriage and how I interacted with people.  I would pull away.

This is what I have learned. My dad loved me very much but Dads love for me was human love.  I knew Dad would anything to show he loved me.  Dad's love for me  was not perfect and he failed and made mistakes. 

I learned that God's love for me is perfect.
 God's love is unconditional.  I don't have to earn God's love and approval. 


God loved me so much that he gave his only Son, that whosever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. 

For God did not send the his Son into the world to condemn the word, but to save the world through his Son.

 John 3:16,17

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sin he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

Great news I can ! you can come to Jesus and when we confess with our mouths our sin, God is always faithful and does it quickly to forgive us and to cleanse us. He doesn't hold it against us.

Friends nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus when we come to him. Wow.

Straight from my Heart

Today was a very delightful day.

My husband and I went to Simcoe Ontario.  I would be remiss if I didn't include that Pedro our doggy went with us.

 Simcoe Ontario is only a hour and a half from Kitchener Ontario.  We stayed over night. This morning Pedro unzippered his kennel and announce woof at 4:30 that he had sprung out of his bed.  So we reassaured him and he went out.
After a few cuddled he went back to bed.  I had  a great night sleep.  I also am on meds for a bad tooth.

This morning I went to a conference where Sharon Jaynes was speaking.  Wow what a day it was. The theme was How to be Spiritually Beautiful.  The music was awesome and the Presence of the Holy Spirit was felt around me and in me personally.

As some of you know I struggled with a lot of back pain and my knees give out. I was questioning and wondering whether my legs would keep me up.
I don't normally go solo on my own to a Retreat.  I am not able to sit or stand for any length of time.  I don't like going on my own without sometime for support if I lose my balance. 

Last week in the devotions from Trusting God I read about speaking to our mountains and telling them how Big God is !  So I said God my mountain is my walking and being sensitive to weather changes.  I wondered about going to where I have never been before. 

For me I need to know about the seats, the steps and where the washrooms are.

Today was different for me. I came into the church without my cane.  I walked in confidently. I sat down and introduced myself to others around me.

What was the difference. My husband and  I prayed for the day and that Lord would help me to be confident . I made up my mind that I belonged at the conference  as I was reminded by God that I was a child of the King of Kings. I also decided to go and trust the Lord.  This was a stretch for me as yesterday my legs were weak off and on all day!

Today I learned once more about letting people off the hook.  I had to free myself.  I wrote down names and chose to forgive those people.  I learned about keeping my thoughts captive and speaking the Truth out to the Adversary.

Friends God helped me. I listened to the truth of Whose I am in Christ.  I listened and trusted God !  God is trustworthy. God did what he promised to me. He would never leave me or forsake me.

Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all thy heart lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct his paths!

I have kept this story quiet for a long time. Now it is time to share.

We  moved from our townhouse to our one bedroom apartment. I was so relieved to leaving the townhouse that had caught fire and left me with nightmares. 

The bedroom apartment was small confining and dreary. i had asked that Maurice paint the walls white and they painted the Walls beige. I felt almost as drear as the apartment inside. I wondered How long are we going to live in this small place, I thought. I questioned Will we ever be able to afford a bigger place? Would we ever be able to move because of our track record at paying our rent on time? We couldn't pay the rent at the townhouse as we didn't have the money enough to pay bills. We were struggling which bill to pay first.  I was ashamed to tell this story and kept this story hushed for quite a while only a few people knew about why we were moving to a smaller place

I decided that to live in this tiny apartment to put boarders on the walls of our living room kitchen and bedroom. It helped my mood but how the place was cramped.

Maurice and I learned to rebuild our marriage. he first step was for us to renew our vows to each other.

 A miracle came during this time Maurice got full time work where he was working at the bakery.

The next step was for me to get some counselling. I had felt that my family had let me
down by not telling me the truth of who my birth parents were.

The counselor who helped me began to help me to short out my adoption issues. One of the assignments was to write my birth mother and tell her how I felt about her and how much God loved her and that was there for her when she gave me up for adoption. I panicked I was afraid to send any kind of a letter to my birth mother. This was out of my comfort zone.
Then something happened God gave me the courage to write to her. So I wrote the letter and sent the letter and I waited. A while later my birth mother answered my letter. It wasn't what I expected to hear. I am glad God is there for you but he wasn't there for me. I was disappointed. I had held high expectations for my birth mother (aunt) .

A little while down the road my friend  sugguested that I write my story about my life
and about my adoption. I finished the first copy and I was excited about this. i had encouraged my birth mother to tell her daughter and make my adoption Roots public. Some one would tell her about me and the story needed to come from her.
I sent a copy to my birth mother and the letter . I was filled with explosive words and threats of legal action .I froze when I got this registered letter from my birth mother aunt. I had Emotions of fear and I was clingy to Maurice and I didn't want him to
go out of my sight. I cried and cried. I couldn't understand how this aunt who was my birth mother could treat me this way. I was afraid she would come after me. Some of my fears were realistic and some were made up. I felt betrayed. I was angry and found it hard to forgive her. I even went to the legal authorities to be reassured. I was free to tell my story but to keep names changed for privacy. .

A few months later I made steps to forgive my birth mother. To let her off the hook. I have had to do a number of times.

The writing of my book took 10 years to write and I self published it last year.

This month being my birth month I have had struggles about my beginnings. I had been
talking with another aunt about my beginnings She shared that my birth mother gave up her legal rights to me. She no longer has any authority to me.


When I realize this I felt that a cord connected to keeping my birth mothers secret was not mine anymore. The cord of loyalty and duty had gone. It was if the cord had been cut and was putting life into my veins. A renewed freedom of I will celebrate my 53 years life instead of the things that happened before I was born. It had nothing to do with me.

I am here and I am celebrating 53 years of life all month but the date is ! 
It is as if I had a re birthing celebration of my life.

John 10:10

The thief come only t steal and kill and destroy I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.  New International Version

This is what Jesus has done for me. My life use to control by the enemy who lied and stole from me. Now I have a new life. My old life has past and I live for Jesus and he gives me life to the full.

Straight from My Heart

I left some of these stories out of my book as I was focusing about my adoption
experience and I wasn't ready to share som,e of my stories. I guess I was a bit


It was Saturday morning . We had been married about a month. I was trying to do some house work and Maurice was near by wanting to help. I know some of you ladies would love it if your husband wuld be waiting to help you.

We were both in our 30's and were very use to doing things for ourself. Maurice had had roommates over the time he was single. Not me I had lived alone for six years in 2 basement apartments. I got up when I wanted on the weekend, did the dishes when I ran out of dishes or when mom came to visit and helped washed dishes. I went away on weekends. I was lonely at times but I also enjoyed time to myself.


As I said before Maurice was wanting to help. I wanted time to myself. I turned around and said Why don't you get lost for the day. I looked into Maurice's eyes and I could see the hurt look in his eyes. Maurice left and I continued on with my house work. A couple of hours later i was making lunch and figured Maurice would come home for lunch. No Maurice. Later into the afteroon and close to supper I became a alarmed. No sign of Maurice. Oh dear I thought what had I done? I phoned some friends out of concern. They thought we had had a fight. To be honest I hadn't thought of this as a fight.



This friend came and we drove around everywhere we could think of to find Maurice. Our search had been successful. I was so relieved to see Maurice and in front of this person I told Maurice how glad I was to see him. When we got home it was another story. I started firing out questions Why did you stay out so long.? Why didn't you come home at supper. "He quipped well you told me to get lost. I was flabbergasted. I had nver had anyone take me so seriously before this and take me at my word.
22 years later when I want some space. Why don't you get lost for a couple of hours and Maurice quips for how long. We laugh as he now knows to ask how long should he be out for.

Our earlier years continued in both Maurice and I adjusting each other. About 3 months later we had another moment of not communicating. I had just recently got my drivers license. I had wanted to have some space once more and get the groceries. I asked Maurice to go to the laundry mat. I dropped maurice at the laundry mat. I headed on my to the grocery store. I came home and was surprised that Maurice was not home yet. I was puzzled why he wasn't home yet. Again I had a friend come and help me look for Maurice. We drove to the laundry matt and there was Maurice waiting patiently out side with my laundry on top of the coke machines. I hadn't communicated that he could walk come with the laundry.
When I think back I realize how selfish and me oriented I was. I had always thought
about what I wanted when I was on my own. I had been looking after children in a private home care and when I came home I just wanted to look after me. I wish I could say that I changed after a couple of years. I didn't. I kept hearing from couples who had been married longer What about Maurice ? What about Maurice's
feelings. I would rebell and say what about me after I have worked all day.

In Our 11 year of marriage we had a pretty drastic change in our marriage. Finance had been tight for quite a while. In our second year of marriage Maurice's company factory went belly up. It put a pressure on our marriage. We were not sure which bill to pay first. Maurice was working part-time but work was unsteady.

We had just come thru the fire in December and had been home in our home for a while. I was struggling physically and I wasn't working at the time. As usual we were not Communicating well. Our relationship was strained. Maurice was paying some bills and then not telling me. I found it hard to keep the books.

One Monday morning I found out that Maurice hadn't been paying the rent on time and we could lose our townhouse that we were renting. I was devstated. I was angry and frustrated as Maurice wasn't listening to me. I aslo realize we needed to talk more about finances.

Maurice was at work. I needed someone to talk to. We needed help. We got help. I didn't realize how much I needed until I lashed out at Maurice in front of a minister and a Elder. I wasn't very quiet about it either.
A decison was made and I went home to stay with mom for about 3 weeks. I was livid., I was upset , I felt betrayed by Maurice. I also knew it was my fault as well for us getting in this problem. For a while I did think that it was Maurices fault.

i beat myself up in side and thought I was a wimp and stupid for letting this happen. I was embarrassed for a long time that we had let our finances go. How could I let our marriage get this way. the inner beat up continued on and on. I cried and cried.

One morning one of mom's caregivers was there and I told her the story. This lady wasn't shocked or surprised about it. She didn't even put me down. Pat said Magaret you are a strong person and you will get thru this. You have your faith. Pat was right I was a strong person and we did get thru this mess.

After a bit of counselling I felt that we had broken all of our wedding vows and so we renew our vows in our living room. The elder who had helped us and his wife and a bridesmade came and on December 23 2000 we renew our vows.

What a changed it was. A fresh new start. God opened the door for Maurice to have full time work at Westons. We continued to work on our marriage and there was stll some rough spots but we started on the road to thinking of each other.

There were relapes. One time when I was getting mom's house packed up in Port Hope Maurice was left on his own. He was in need of money. He was tempted to go his own way but relented and stopped. I had found the money in the account and had wondered how this money had come out. He didn't want to tell me what he had used the money for.
I had found other things that upset me but it isn't necessary to tell you. Maurice wouldn't tell me what he bought with the money. Maurice got so angry and he turned and opened up the balconly door and jumped from the first floor. He told me later it was farther down then he thought. I was afraid we were falling into old habits again.

A couple of days later Maurice went to talk with a friend at what happened. Quietly and kindly this man mentioned that he needed to grow up. When I heard this I realized I need to grow up as well. This is when our marriage changed. We started to think of each other and love each other as well.

Valentines Day 1988 Straight from My Heart -

Valentines Day Date.
I remember my first Valentines date. I dressed up for valentines day. I had a red dress on and I had my hair styled for the special occasion. I dreamed of pink carnation. flowers and a few chocolates.

I waited for Maurice to arrive. The door bell of many chimes chimed a few tunes. I ran up from my basement apartment stairs to the back stairs. There was Maurice Dressed in a short jacket and sweater and a blue jeans. I tried to not to show it in facial expressions but I was disappointed. When Maurice came in he told me how great lovely I looked in my dress but I might be more comfortable in a pair of dress pants. I melted inside. The distress disappeared and I went and changed.
The evening begins with out a hitch.
We put our coats on and we drove to the restaurant. Everything seemed so perfect. I was out with a tall and dark handsome man. Maurice's brown eyes sparkled in delight. Oh how I loved a man with deep brown eyes.
We were seated at the restaurant and we ordered. I am not sure what Maurice ordered. I do remember what I ordered, Chicken - Parmasan. I savored the taste in my mouth. We talked about what we would do after dinner. Maurice sugguested we go to visit my sister and her husband and their little girl Andrea. So drove back to my apartment and phone my sister. They were free. We drove the hour to my sisters. We had cake and coffee . I watched Maurice and he warmed up to my niece Andrea who was 3 1/2 at the time. She drew him pictures. He appeared a bit nervous around my sister and her husband.
Meeting Family
After a little visit we started back for my place. Maurice stopped for gas. My stomach started to churn and I felt crampy with sharp pains. I was full of my own gas.  I has hoping that this would be all I would experience. This was not to be the case. My stomach began to hurt mmore and splat my coat was covered. Maurice pulled over. to the side of the highway and again I threw up. I knew Maurice was proud of his new car and I was careful not to be sick in his car. I only managed to get the seat belt a bit. My new coat got the brunt of it. It upset me becasue my coat had been purchased from a Savings Bond that had been left to me from my Grandma.
Stomach Sickness - Car Spared
We arrived back to my apartment and I was sick once more. I wondered if I would get to the door so I asked Maurice to walk me to the door. Maurice had not learned some of the finer points about dating. They really should teach about dating to guys. I managed to get into my apartment in time to reach the washroom again.

Disappointment over Date
I phoned the Pastors wife in tears. I was so sick and I felt I had ruined my date with Maurice. My dreams of what a valentines date had been dashed. The pastors wife comforted me and helped me see that I hadn't ruined the date but these things happen. I slept in the living room that night. I maybe should have made my bed in the washroom.
 Annual Sunday morning call.  Reinforcements come~
The next morning the phone rang at 9 and it was mom.  Mom always called me Sunday morning to see how we were doing. I told her what had happened with my Valentine date and how I had been up all night sick. Mom offered to come up. I siad yes please. I was dizzy and I couldn't stand on my feet I was so week. I contintued to sleep on the couch off and on. I managed to tell the lady upstairs mom was coming and then I was back into the washroom. It was so comforting to have mom there to help me. Mom did the clean up. I don't think I need to give the details! You can use your own imagination.

The next day Mom took me to the doctor to see whether I had food poisioning or not. I stayed home from work that day. It was nice to have moms company. My dad had only been gone 3 months and I was have a hard time with dad's passing. We both were able to comfort each other.



I was afraid that after being so sick that I would scare Maurice away. Well that fear was dashed. That year I was engaged to Maurice and A year later I was married to Maurice.

Mom had prayed after my dad had passed that a man would come into my life. God answered that prayer. Maurice is the love of my life. We have grown to love each other and Maurice is my best friend as well as my Valentine.



Our first Valentine celebration was in 1988. Maurice knows my likes and dislikes. He knows to buy flowers for Valentines and Mothers Day and our Anniversary. I am a mother to Pedro our 4 legged baby. I still don't dress up for Valentines date and I still don't like Chicken Parmesan. Mom is gone now but the memory of showing love to me after I was so sick willnever go forgotten.



For some of you who are wondering what does Maurice get? Never mind! none of your business. I do ramdamly get something at the store for him when we are out.