Straight from My Heart

Writing Positive outlet

Writing has been a positive outlet for me to express my feelings. For years I stuffed my emotions down inside. At least I tried to keep them down. I heard you must be strong and to be strong you must not cry. I tried hold in my tears in. The more I held them in the more my tears poured out . The kids at school described like a water well and told me I was a cry baby. I had kids taunt me in the school tell me I was a disgrace to the school because I cried. Those words pierced me right to the core of my being. They cornered me in the school yard. I was petrified of these kids I felt frozen inside as I didn't know how I was going to get away from these kids who were tormenting me. A teacher saw what was happening and told the other kids to leave me away. He scolded for being so nasty to me.

Stuffed emotions
I continued to stuff down my feelings and felt quilty because I cried. The more I stuffed down my feelings the more I began to churn inside of nobody cares about me, the kids laugh at me. I must not be a loveable person because of the teasing I had had thru out my school experience. I began to feel blue inside. At 12 years old I shared with a girlfriend that I didn't want to live. I wanted to take my life. She listened to me and it helped but the desire of loathing myself persisted. I shared my feelings with a visiting Pastor and he told me I would go to hell if I took my life. I guess it kept me from harming myself but I still had those feelings. At 17 I tried to hurt myself while riding my bike.

Foolish decision

I foolishly asked the devil to take over as I was fed up with life and the rules of the church. I felt guilty for saying this as well. I continued to push things and I began to become more angry wtih people and the church. People had hurt me. I had hurt people.

I had some prayer ministry and I had some relief. I still struggled with depression. I continued to seek counsel.  I started to heal.

Two years ago I began to stutter. I had a terrible headache that turned into a migrane. I had had some healing and I wanted to serve the Lord. I reached out for help but the person couldln't help me right away. I lashed out at this person and then I came to realize what I had done. I apologized. I then decided that this was not what God wanted me to do as I am so sensitive to the weather changes.

A friend helped me to sort out my angry feelings. I knew I couldn't cope any longer the way things were going. While in a counselling session She instructed me to get up and take up my body suit and mask I was hiding behind and step out. I stepped out into the light. I realize that I was a Princess a child of the King of Kings. I declared my loyalty to Jesus. I still have human moments with anger. I commit my life to Jesus and ask him to take control of my days.  I was tempted recently to break a dish when I was angry and it was like a shield between me and the dish I stopped.  I still have that dish.  I have come to realize that tears are a prayer language to God. He collects them in a bottle and pours them on us as blessing. I find I now can express my feelings and say I am angry, or when I feel upset when this happens.
A month or so later after my stuttering problem  I came to realize I was struggling with my worshiping Jesus. I felt stilted as I tried to sing. ONe afteroon after I had talked with a friend I realized I need to be filled with Holy Spirit. I asked the Holy Spirit to Fill me to overflowing. I did one more thing I received the Holy Spirit fillings. I started to babble and babble until the Holy Spirit poured the Holy oil on me. I was worshiping Jesus and I couldn't get even of Praising jesus. Not only did I start praising the Lord I started to see a change in how I interacted with people. I felt joy like I had never had before.

Put on the garment of Praise for the Spirit of heaviness.