About Me

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Kitchener, Ontario,, Canada
Mother Mugs was established May 2008 Author : Over whelmed by God's Grace Uncovering the Truth about Adoption


I hope that my poetry and writing will encourage you.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Straight from My Heart - Jesus loves me

I am so glad that Jesus loves me Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me, I am so glad that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves even me.

Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. Yes Jesus loves me.

 The message is big in meaning and powerful. 

What shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famile or nakedness or danger or sword?

 vs. 36 As it is written nothing "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughter.

No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us

vs 38 I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,'neither anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love God that is in Chrsit Jesus our Lord.

I remember in Sunday School singing about Jesus loving me.  It gave me a warmth inside of my heart.  When I did something wrong I remember I wondered if my parents or God loved me. I remember one time I thought I would throw some water on my dad who was sitting on a chair reading.  I however didn't realize that dad was reading his Bible.  I got water spilled all over his Bible. I didn't mean to get his Bible wet on purpose.  I told dad I was truly sorry and all I got was silence. I tried again and once more no response.
It took quite a while until my dad talked to me again.  At that moment I felt distance from my dad.  I so wanted to climb up on my dads lap and have him reassure me that he loved me regardless of whether I had made a mess of his Bible or not.  I knew what it was to hear dad say he loved me and I longed for him to reassure me again.

This hurt affected me for a very long time. I wanted to earn my dads love and approval when I did wrong.  I took this hurt into my marriage and how I interacted with people.  I would pull away.

This is what I have learned. My dad loved me very much but Dads love for me was human love.  I knew Dad would anything to show he loved me.  Dad's love for me  was not perfect and he failed and made mistakes. 

I learned that God's love for me is perfect.
 God's love is unconditional.  I don't have to earn God's love and approval. 

God loved me so much that he gave his only Son, that whosever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. 

For God did not send the his Son into the world to condemn the word, but to save the world through his Son.

 John 3:16,17

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sin he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

Great news I can ! you can come to Jesus and when we confess with our mouths our sin, God is always faithful and does it quickly to forgive us and to cleanse us. He doesn't hold it against us.

Friends nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus when we come to him. Wow.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Straight from my Heart

Today was a very delightful day.

My husband and I went to Simcoe Ontario.  I would be remiss if I didn't include that Pedro our doggy went with us.

 Simcoe Ontario is only a hour and a half from Kitchener Ontario.  We stayed over night. This morning Pedro unzippered his kennel and announce woof at 4:30 that he had sprung out of his bed.  So we reassaured him and he went out.
After a few cuddled he went back to bed.  I had  a great night sleep.  I also am on meds for a bad tooth.

This morning I went to a conference where Sharon Jaynes was speaking.  Wow what a day it was. The theme was How to be Spiritually Beautiful.  The music was awesome and the Presence of the Holy Spirit was felt around me and in me personally.

As some of you know I struggled with a lot of back pain and my knees give out. I was questioning and wondering whether my legs would keep me up.
I don't normally go solo on my own to a Retreat.  I am not able to sit or stand for any length of time.  I don't like going on my own without sometime for support if I lose my balance. 

Last week in the devotions from Trusting God I read about speaking to our mountains and telling them how Big God is !  So I said God my mountain is my walking and being sensitive to weather changes.  I wondered about going to where I have never been before. 

For me I need to know about the seats, the steps and where the washrooms are.

Today was different for me. I came into the church without my cane.  I walked in confidently. I sat down and introduced myself to others around me.

What was the difference. My husband and  I prayed for the day and that Lord would help me to be confident . I made up my mind that I belonged at the conference  as I was reminded by God that I was a child of the King of Kings. I also decided to go and trust the Lord.  This was a stretch for me as yesterday my legs were weak off and on all day!

Today I learned once more about letting people off the hook.  I had to free myself.  I wrote down names and chose to forgive those people.  I learned about keeping my thoughts captive and speaking the Truth out to the Adversary.

Friends God helped me. I listened to the truth of Whose I am in Christ.  I listened and trusted God !  God is trustworthy. God did what he promised to me. He would never leave me or forsake me.

Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all thy heart lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct his paths!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I have kept this story quiet for a long time. Now it is time to share.

We  moved from our townhouse to our one bedroom apartment. I was so relieved to leaving the townhouse that had caught fire and left me with nightmares. 

The bedroom apartment was small confining and dreary. i had asked that Maurice paint the walls white and they painted the Walls beige. I felt almost as drear as the apartment inside. I wondered How long are we going to live in this small place, I thought. I questioned Will we ever be able to afford a bigger place? Would we ever be able to move because of our track record at paying our rent on time? We couldn't pay the rent at the townhouse as we didn't have the money enough to pay bills. We were struggling which bill to pay first.  I was ashamed to tell this story and kept this story hushed for quite a while only a few people knew about why we were moving to a smaller place

I decided that to live in this tiny apartment to put boarders on the walls of our living room kitchen and bedroom. It helped my mood but how the place was cramped.

Maurice and I learned to rebuild our marriage. he first step was for us to renew our vows to each other.

 A miracle came during this time Maurice got full time work where he was working at the bakery.

The next step was for me to get some counselling. I had felt that my family had let me
down by not telling me the truth of who my birth parents were.

The counselor who helped me began to help me to short out my adoption issues. One of the assignments was to write my birth mother and tell her how I felt about her and how much God loved her and that was there for her when she gave me up for adoption. I panicked I was afraid to send any kind of a letter to my birth mother. This was out of my comfort zone.
Then something happened God gave me the courage to write to her. So I wrote the letter and sent the letter and I waited. A while later my birth mother answered my letter. It wasn't what I expected to hear. I am glad God is there for you but he wasn't there for me. I was disappointed. I had held high expectations for my birth mother (aunt) .

A little while down the road my friend  sugguested that I write my story about my life
and about my adoption. I finished the first copy and I was excited about this. i had encouraged my birth mother to tell her daughter and make my adoption Roots public. Some one would tell her about me and the story needed to come from her.
I sent a copy to my birth mother and the letter . I was filled with explosive words and threats of legal action .I froze when I got this registered letter from my birth mother aunt. I had Emotions of fear and I was clingy to Maurice and I didn't want him to
go out of my sight. I cried and cried. I couldn't understand how this aunt who was my birth mother could treat me this way. I was afraid she would come after me. Some of my fears were realistic and some were made up. I felt betrayed. I was angry and found it hard to forgive her. I even went to the legal authorities to be reassured. I was free to tell my story but to keep names changed for privacy. .

A few months later I made steps to forgive my birth mother. To let her off the hook. I have had to do a number of times.

The writing of my book took 10 years to write and I self published it last year.

This month being my birth month I have had struggles about my beginnings. I had been
talking with another aunt about my beginnings She shared that my birth mother gave up her legal rights to me. She no longer has any authority to me.

When I realize this I felt that a cord connected to keeping my birth mothers secret was not mine anymore. The cord of loyalty and duty had gone. It was if the cord had been cut and was putting life into my veins. A renewed freedom of I will celebrate my 53 years life instead of the things that happened before I was born. It had nothing to do with me.

I am here and I am celebrating 53 years of life all month but the date is ! 
It is as if I had a re birthing celebration of my life.

John 10:10

The thief come only t steal and kill and destroy I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.  New International Version

This is what Jesus has done for me. My life use to control by the enemy who lied and stole from me. Now I have a new life. My old life has past and I live for Jesus and he gives me life to the full.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Straight from My Heart

I left some of these stories out of my book as I was focusing about my adoption
experience and I wasn't ready to share som,e of my stories. I guess I was a bit

It was Saturday morning . We had been married about a month. I was trying to do some house work and Maurice was near by wanting to help. I know some of you ladies would love it if your husband wuld be waiting to help you.

We were both in our 30's and were very use to doing things for ourself. Maurice had had roommates over the time he was single. Not me I had lived alone for six years in 2 basement apartments. I got up when I wanted on the weekend, did the dishes when I ran out of dishes or when mom came to visit and helped washed dishes. I went away on weekends. I was lonely at times but I also enjoyed time to myself.

As I said before Maurice was wanting to help. I wanted time to myself. I turned around and said Why don't you get lost for the day. I looked into Maurice's eyes and I could see the hurt look in his eyes. Maurice left and I continued on with my house work. A couple of hours later i was making lunch and figured Maurice would come home for lunch. No Maurice. Later into the afteroon and close to supper I became a alarmed. No sign of Maurice. Oh dear I thought what had I done? I phoned some friends out of concern. They thought we had had a fight. To be honest I hadn't thought of this as a fight.

This friend came and we drove around everywhere we could think of to find Maurice. Our search had been successful. I was so relieved to see Maurice and in front of this person I told Maurice how glad I was to see him. When we got home it was another story. I started firing out questions Why did you stay out so long.? Why didn't you come home at supper. "He quipped well you told me to get lost. I was flabbergasted. I had nver had anyone take me so seriously before this and take me at my word.
22 years later when I want some space. Why don't you get lost for a couple of hours and Maurice quips for how long. We laugh as he now knows to ask how long should he be out for.

Our earlier years continued in both Maurice and I adjusting each other. About 3 months later we had another moment of not communicating. I had just recently got my drivers license. I had wanted to have some space once more and get the groceries. I asked Maurice to go to the laundry mat. I dropped maurice at the laundry mat. I headed on my to the grocery store. I came home and was surprised that Maurice was not home yet. I was puzzled why he wasn't home yet. Again I had a friend come and help me look for Maurice. We drove to the laundry matt and there was Maurice waiting patiently out side with my laundry on top of the coke machines. I hadn't communicated that he could walk come with the laundry.
When I think back I realize how selfish and me oriented I was. I had always thought
about what I wanted when I was on my own. I had been looking after children in a private home care and when I came home I just wanted to look after me. I wish I could say that I changed after a couple of years. I didn't. I kept hearing from couples who had been married longer What about Maurice ? What about Maurice's
feelings. I would rebell and say what about me after I have worked all day.

In Our 11 year of marriage we had a pretty drastic change in our marriage. Finance had been tight for quite a while. In our second year of marriage Maurice's company factory went belly up. It put a pressure on our marriage. We were not sure which bill to pay first. Maurice was working part-time but work was unsteady.

We had just come thru the fire in December and had been home in our home for a while. I was struggling physically and I wasn't working at the time. As usual we were not Communicating well. Our relationship was strained. Maurice was paying some bills and then not telling me. I found it hard to keep the books.

One Monday morning I found out that Maurice hadn't been paying the rent on time and we could lose our townhouse that we were renting. I was devstated. I was angry and frustrated as Maurice wasn't listening to me. I aslo realize we needed to talk more about finances.

Maurice was at work. I needed someone to talk to. We needed help. We got help. I didn't realize how much I needed until I lashed out at Maurice in front of a minister and a Elder. I wasn't very quiet about it either.
A decison was made and I went home to stay with mom for about 3 weeks. I was livid., I was upset , I felt betrayed by Maurice. I also knew it was my fault as well for us getting in this problem. For a while I did think that it was Maurices fault.

i beat myself up in side and thought I was a wimp and stupid for letting this happen. I was embarrassed for a long time that we had let our finances go. How could I let our marriage get this way. the inner beat up continued on and on. I cried and cried.

One morning one of mom's caregivers was there and I told her the story. This lady wasn't shocked or surprised about it. She didn't even put me down. Pat said Magaret you are a strong person and you will get thru this. You have your faith. Pat was right I was a strong person and we did get thru this mess.

After a bit of counselling I felt that we had broken all of our wedding vows and so we renew our vows in our living room. The elder who had helped us and his wife and a bridesmade came and on December 23 2000 we renew our vows.

What a changed it was. A fresh new start. God opened the door for Maurice to have full time work at Westons. We continued to work on our marriage and there was stll some rough spots but we started on the road to thinking of each other.

There were relapes. One time when I was getting mom's house packed up in Port Hope Maurice was left on his own. He was in need of money. He was tempted to go his own way but relented and stopped. I had found the money in the account and had wondered how this money had come out. He didn't want to tell me what he had used the money for.
I had found other things that upset me but it isn't necessary to tell you. Maurice wouldn't tell me what he bought with the money. Maurice got so angry and he turned and opened up the balconly door and jumped from the first floor. He told me later it was farther down then he thought. I was afraid we were falling into old habits again.

A couple of days later Maurice went to talk with a friend at what happened. Quietly and kindly this man mentioned that he needed to grow up. When I heard this I realized I need to grow up as well. This is when our marriage changed. We started to think of each other and love each other as well.

Valentines Day 1988 Straight from My Heart -

Valentines Day Date.
I remember my first Valentines date. I dressed up for valentines day. I had a red dress on and I had my hair styled for the special occasion. I dreamed of pink carnation. flowers and a few chocolates.

I waited for Maurice to arrive. The door bell of many chimes chimed a few tunes. I ran up from my basement apartment stairs to the back stairs. There was Maurice Dressed in a short jacket and sweater and a blue jeans. I tried to not to show it in facial expressions but I was disappointed. When Maurice came in he told me how great lovely I looked in my dress but I might be more comfortable in a pair of dress pants. I melted inside. The distress disappeared and I went and changed.
The evening begins with out a hitch.
We put our coats on and we drove to the restaurant. Everything seemed so perfect. I was out with a tall and dark handsome man. Maurice's brown eyes sparkled in delight. Oh how I loved a man with deep brown eyes.
We were seated at the restaurant and we ordered. I am not sure what Maurice ordered. I do remember what I ordered, Chicken - Parmasan. I savored the taste in my mouth. We talked about what we would do after dinner. Maurice sugguested we go to visit my sister and her husband and their little girl Andrea. So drove back to my apartment and phone my sister. They were free. We drove the hour to my sisters. We had cake and coffee . I watched Maurice and he warmed up to my niece Andrea who was 3 1/2 at the time. She drew him pictures. He appeared a bit nervous around my sister and her husband.
Meeting Family
After a little visit we started back for my place. Maurice stopped for gas. My stomach started to churn and I felt crampy with sharp pains. I was full of my own gas.  I has hoping that this would be all I would experience. This was not to be the case. My stomach began to hurt mmore and splat my coat was covered. Maurice pulled over. to the side of the highway and again I threw up. I knew Maurice was proud of his new car and I was careful not to be sick in his car. I only managed to get the seat belt a bit. My new coat got the brunt of it. It upset me becasue my coat had been purchased from a Savings Bond that had been left to me from my Grandma.
Stomach Sickness - Car Spared
We arrived back to my apartment and I was sick once more. I wondered if I would get to the door so I asked Maurice to walk me to the door. Maurice had not learned some of the finer points about dating. They really should teach about dating to guys. I managed to get into my apartment in time to reach the washroom again.

Disappointment over Date
I phoned the Pastors wife in tears. I was so sick and I felt I had ruined my date with Maurice. My dreams of what a valentines date had been dashed. The pastors wife comforted me and helped me see that I hadn't ruined the date but these things happen. I slept in the living room that night. I maybe should have made my bed in the washroom.
 Annual Sunday morning callReinforcements come~
The next morning the phone rang at 9 and it was mom.  Mom always called me Sunday morning to see how we were doing. I told her what had happened with my Valentine date and how I had been up all night sick. Mom offered to come up. I siad yes please. I was dizzy and I couldn't stand on my feet I was so week. I contintued to sleep on the couch off and on. I managed to tell the lady upstairs mom was coming and then I was back into the washroom. It was so comforting to have mom there to help me. Mom did the clean up. I don't think I need to give the details! You can use your own imagination.

The next day Mom took me to the doctor to see whether I had food poisioning or not. I stayed home from work that day. It was nice to have moms company. My dad had only been gone 3 months and I was have a hard time with dad's passing. We both were able to comfort each other.

I was afraid that after being so sick that I would scare Maurice away. Well that fear was dashed. That year I was engaged to Maurice and A year later I was married to Maurice.

Mom had prayed after my dad had passed that a man would come into my life. God answered that prayer. Maurice is the love of my life. We have grown to love each other and Maurice is my best friend as well as my Valentine.

Our first Valentine celebration was in 1988. Maurice knows my likes and dislikes. He knows to buy flowers for Valentines and Mothers Day and our Anniversary. I am a mother to Pedro our 4 legged baby. I still don't dress up for Valentines date and I still don't like Chicken Parmesan. Mom is gone now but the memory of showing love to me after I was so sick willnever go forgotten.

For some of you who are wondering what does Maurice get? Never mind! none of your business. I do ramdamly get something at the store for him when we are out.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Straight from My Heart

Writing Positive outlet

Writing has been a positive outlet for me to express my feelings. For years I stuffed my emotions down inside. At least I tried to keep them down. I heard you must be strong and to be strong you must not cry. I tried hold in my tears in. The more I held them in the more my tears poured out . The kids at school described like a water well and told me I was a cry baby. I had kids taunt me in the school tell me I was a disgrace to the school because I cried. Those words pierced me right to the core of my being. They cornered me in the school yard. I was petrified of these kids I felt frozen inside as I didn't know how I was going to get away from these kids who were tormenting me. A teacher saw what was happening and told the other kids to leave me away. He scolded for being so nasty to me.

Stuffed emotions
I continued to stuff down my feelings and felt quilty because I cried. The more I stuffed down my feelings the more I began to churn inside of nobody cares about me, the kids laugh at me. I must not be a loveable person because of the teasing I had had thru out my school experience. I began to feel blue inside. At 12 years old I shared with a girlfriend that I didn't want to live. I wanted to take my life. She listened to me and it helped but the desire of loathing myself persisted. I shared my feelings with a visiting Pastor and he told me I would go to hell if I took my life. I guess it kept me from harming myself but I still had those feelings. At 17 I tried to hurt myself while riding my bike.

Foolish decision

I foolishly asked the devil to take over as I was fed up with life and the rules of the church. I felt guilty for saying this as well. I continued to push things and I began to become more angry wtih people and the church. People had hurt me. I had hurt people.

I had some prayer ministry and I had some relief. I still struggled with depression. I continued to seek counsel.  I started to heal.

Two years ago I began to stutter. I had a terrible headache that turned into a migrane. I had had some healing and I wanted to serve the Lord. I reached out for help but the person couldln't help me right away. I lashed out at this person and then I came to realize what I had done. I apologized. I then decided that this was not what God wanted me to do as I am so sensitive to the weather changes.

A friend helped me to sort out my angry feelings. I knew I couldn't cope any longer the way things were going. While in a counselling session She instructed me to get up and take up my body suit and mask I was hiding behind and step out. I stepped out into the light. I realize that I was a Princess a child of the King of Kings. I declared my loyalty to Jesus. I still have human moments with anger. I commit my life to Jesus and ask him to take control of my days.  I was tempted recently to break a dish when I was angry and it was like a shield between me and the dish I stopped.  I still have that dish.  I have come to realize that tears are a prayer language to God. He collects them in a bottle and pours them on us as blessing. I find I now can express my feelings and say I am angry, or when I feel upset when this happens.
A month or so later after my stuttering problem  I came to realize I was struggling with my worshiping Jesus. I felt stilted as I tried to sing. ONe afteroon after I had talked with a friend I realized I need to be filled with Holy Spirit. I asked the Holy Spirit to Fill me to overflowing. I did one more thing I received the Holy Spirit fillings. I started to babble and babble until the Holy Spirit poured the Holy oil on me. I was worshiping Jesus and I couldn't get even of Praising jesus. Not only did I start praising the Lord I started to see a change in how I interacted with people. I felt joy like I had never had before.

Put on the garment of Praise for the Spirit of heaviness.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Straight From my Heart

I never realized it until today that I was sugar coating difficult areas in my life.
 I realize the best way to write a blog is to pray before I write. 

February, is the month that I have least like over the last couple of years. The reason behind this is my birth mother  and father gave me up for adoption when I was 7 days old. I have been sworn to secrecy not to tell certain people in my family about my adoption as it has been a secret. We want your birth mom to save face.

 My questions Why?  My Response  
 53 years ago my birth mother gave up her legal rights at being my mother. She gave  birth to me and I will be forever grateful to her.  My birth mother is very much apart of me as my mom was. I  have characteristics of both mothers. 

Lets celebrate that I am here not the circumstances around my beginnings.

In February I am sad over the lost of my birth mother. In February I am sad because my mom is in heaven. I miss  my mom.

These feelings have hung over my head for a long time.  Saving face to spare someones feelings. Whispering and being quiet because I have written a book telling about my feelings about my adoption and my experience  of finding out my beginnings.

Secrecy -  My Life has  not been hidden from God.

My family might have tried to cover up my beginnings to save face. My family were reluctant to tell me and hid it from me the truth.

I thank God that my frame was not hidden to God. He knew the circumstances of my adoption and loved me.

I am thankful that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

 Psalms 139: 7 Where can I flee from your presence.

Psalms 139:15 My frame was not hidden by God.

I am thankful that I have been able to write honestly and get what has been on my mind.

So Friends and Family my beginnings are apart of who I am. I cannot change my beginnings nor will I try to hide my life from others.

So I am celebrating 53 years of life. I am leaving behind the old feelings and exchanging them for celebrating that I am a chosen adopted child of the King of kings.

This has taken courage for me to write this. This has been liberating


Monday, February 6, 2012

Straight From my Heart

I haven't written in my blog for a while.  There has been  a lot of weather changes upon weather changes.  One minute it has been cold and we have snow and then the next minute we  have  Spring like weather. Today the sun was out and the sky was a pale blue and the air was nippy.

I don't talk to much about my challenges as I try not to dwell on the fact that my legs sometimes go out and sometimes I stutter or that I have a lot of pain. I dwell on the fact that I don't don't stutter as much and that my legs are getting stronger. I can walk better than I use to.  I don't need a walker. I also want to let you  know that I give Jesus honor and glory and God  is helping me.

I have also had well meaning people tell me it is because there must be sin in my life why I am having these physcial challenges. I firmly believe that my challenges are to make me strong and to rely on God for everything.

 I have come to realize that Each day is a gift from God. . I celebrate each day by finding what went well in my day of challenges. Trying to figure out sin and what I have done just tires me out.

You might ask Why don't you do such and such to fix the problem or go to the doctor. Unfortunately doctors have not taken me seriously and have told me it is in my head. Well that is usually were problems from my head! With a bad attitude about how I am feeling. Negative thoughts can cause the body to  be sick.

I use to be angry person. I was angry that I fell off my bike and hurt my back. I use to be angry that the doctors didn't seem to listen to me. I was angry because my husband didn't have steady work.  My anger grew into rage.  I broke dishes lots of dishes and cried and cried because I thought God had given me a rotten deal in life.  I had a lot of potty language. I was even angry at the church as well. My marriage got into trouble because of me being selfish and not wanting to think of hubbys needs as well as my own.  Me me me. We couldn't have kids and we couldn't afford a house because of my husbands work situation. I was also trying to be someone I was not, a perfect person. I still struggle at times with anger but God has helped me to learn to control my anger.  I slip but I confess my sin to God and he hears and forgives and I know my heart is right with God.

I am Grateful to God for Emotional Healing

I have received emotional healing from God. I realized I was trying to be someone I was not.  I had to release my anger to Jesus and let him take it.  I have a better attitude towards my husband and I love life.  I love to live life

I am open to physical healing. I have left my healing up to Jesus to touch me in my body. I won't stoop to ever demanding God to heal me. God has ordained my days.   I celebrate the days I am able to run without pain. I celebrate the strength that God has given to me to depend on him.

I am not perfect. I still struggle but now I am stronger to stand on my own with the Lord's help. I so love Jesus. He first loved me.

Great News
 Some day I am going to get a new body. A new body that won't crack when I move my arms or knees. A speech that will be clear when I am Praising God.  I will get  whole  new body!

Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all your Heart


Welcome to my Heart Matters Blog
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