I have kept this story quiet for a long time. Now it is time to share.
We moved from our townhouse to our one bedroom apartment. I was so relieved to leaving the townhouse that had caught fire and left me with nightmares.
The bedroom apartment was small confining and dreary. i had asked that Maurice paint the walls white and they painted the Walls beige. I felt almost as drear as the apartment inside. I wondered How long are we going to live in this small place, I thought. I questioned Will we ever be able to afford a bigger place? Would we ever be able to move because of our track record at paying our rent on time? We couldn't pay the rent at the townhouse as we didn't have the money enough to pay bills. We were struggling which bill to pay first. I was ashamed to tell this story and kept this story hushed for quite a while only a few people knew about why we were moving to a smaller place
I decided that to live in this tiny apartment to put boarders on the walls of our living room kitchen and bedroom. It helped my mood but how the place was cramped.
Maurice and I learned to rebuild our marriage. he first step was for us to renew our vows to each other.
A miracle came during this time Maurice got full time work where he was working at the bakery.
The next step was for me to get some counselling. I had felt that my family had let me
down by not telling me the truth of who my birth parents were.
The counselor who helped me began to help me to short out my adoption issues. One of the assignments was to write my birth mother and tell her how I felt about her and how much God loved her and that was there for her when she gave me up for adoption. I panicked I was afraid to send any kind of a letter to my birth mother. This was out of my comfort zone.
Then something happened God gave me the courage to write to her. So I wrote the letter and sent the letter and I waited. A while later my birth mother answered my letter. It wasn't what I expected to hear. I am glad God is there for you but he wasn't there for me. I was disappointed. I had held high expectations for my birth mother (aunt) .
A little while down the road my friend sugguested that I write my story about my life
and about my adoption. I finished the first copy and I was excited about this. i had encouraged my birth mother to tell her daughter and make my adoption Roots public. Some one would tell her about me and the story needed to come from her.
I sent a copy to my birth mother and the letter . I was filled with explosive words and threats of legal action .I froze when I got this registered letter from my birth mother aunt. I had Emotions of fear and I was clingy to Maurice and I didn't want him to
go out of my sight. I cried and cried. I couldn't understand how this aunt who was my birth mother could treat me this way. I was afraid she would come after me. Some of my fears were realistic and some were made up. I felt betrayed. I was angry and found it hard to forgive her. I even went to the legal authorities to be reassured. I was free to tell my story but to keep names changed for privacy. .
A few months later I made steps to forgive my birth mother. To let her off the hook. I have had to do a number of times.
The writing of my book took 10 years to write and I self published it last year.
This month being my birth month I have had struggles about my beginnings. I had been
talking with another aunt about my beginnings She shared that my birth mother gave up her legal rights to me. She no longer has any authority to me.
When I realize this I felt that a cord connected to keeping my birth mothers secret was not mine anymore. The cord of loyalty and duty had gone. It was if the cord had been cut and was putting life into my veins. A renewed freedom of I will celebrate my 53 years life instead of the things that happened before I was born. It had nothing to do with me.
I am here and I am celebrating 53 years of life all month but the date is !
It is as if I had a re birthing celebration of my life.
The thief come only t steal and kill and destroy I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. New International Version
This is what Jesus has done for me. My life use to control by the enemy who lied and stole from me. Now I have a new life. My old life has past and I live for Jesus and he gives me life to the full.